Why Is My Teen Refusing to Go to School?

A fresh perspective on school refusal that brings hope and understanding

If you’re reading this, chances are mornings have become stressful in your home.

Maybe your teenager is saying they can’t go to school.
Maybe they’ve started complaining of headaches, stomachaches, or just flat-out refusing to get out of bed.
Maybe they’re crying, yelling, shutting down—or staying silent altogether.

And you’re left wondering:

• Is this anxiety?

• Are they being bullied?

• Are they lazy?

• What should I do?

• How much do I push?

• Will this get worse?

These are heavy questions. And if you're feeling frustrated, helpless, or even guilty—you’re not alone.

Let’s slow everything down for a moment, and look at what might really be going on beneath the surface.

What school refusal often looks like

Parents often describe it like this:

• “She used to love school—now it’s a battle every day.”

• “He says he can’t go, but he won’t tell me why.”

• “It’s like a wall comes down—he just freezes.”

• “She gets physically sick at the thought of walking through those gates.”

It can feel baffling. You want to help, but nothing seems to work. And the more you try to reason with them, the more upset they get.

Here’s something that can help shift how you see the situation:

They're not trying to be difficult. They're overwhelmed.

School refusal is rarely about laziness or defiance.

It’s usually a sign that your teen is feeling something they don’t know how to manage.

Sometimes it’s anxiety about schoolwork, friendships, or being away from home. Sometimes it’s a build-up of small stresses that feel like too much. Sometimes they can’t even explain what’s wrong—they just know that school feels impossible.

It’s like their internal system gets overloaded, and the only thing that makes sense in that moment is to stop.

Imagine this…

Picture your teen standing in front of a locked door, and the key is nowhere in sight. You’re on the other side saying, “Come on! It’s fine! Just open the door!”
But they can’t. Because in that moment, the door doesn’t feel locked—it feels like a wall. And no matter how much you encourage them, explain things, or try to help… they can’t move forward until the panic eases and the door becomes a door again.

This is what emotional overwhelm can feel like inside.

Trying to solve it in the heat of the moment doesn’t work

It’s natural to want to fix things quickly—to get them out of the house, back in routine, doing what they “should” be doing. But when someone is frozen in fear or resistance, pressure only makes it worse.

You wouldn’t yell at a snow globe to settle. You’d put it down, and wait.

Your teen’s mind works the same way. When they’re caught up in intense feelings, the best gift you can give is presence, not pressure.

What helps instead?

Here are a few gentle ways to support your teen if they’re refusing school:

1. Stay grounded—even when they’re not

It’s okay to feel worried, but try not to get swept up in the emotion of it. Your steady presence sends the message: “This might feel big, but we can handle it.”

2. Be curious, not forceful

Instead of pushing for answers, create a space where they might want to talk. You could say:

“I can see school feels really hard right now. I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.”

No pressure. Just connection.

3. Look past the behavior

Underneath the refusal is a young person doing the best they can to make sense of their experience. What looks like avoidance is often just a lack of capacity in the moment. Trust that more is going on than you can see—and that things can change.

4. See what’s right, not just what’s wrong

It’s easy to focus on what your teen isn’t doing. But what if you looked for signs of resilience instead? Moments of humour, kindness, effort—even if small—are signs their inner strength is still there.

This isn’t the end of the story

It can be easy to catastrophize: “They’ll fall behind. They’ll never go back. They’ll miss everything.”

But this is just one chapter—not the whole book.

So many teens go through seasons of resistance, fear, or overwhelm. And many come through it stronger, wiser, and more self-aware.

The most powerful thing you can do is:

• Keep the door open.

• Hold a calm belief in their capacity to find their way.

• Offer love instead of fear.

Because when a young person feels seen, understood, and not pressured to “fix” themselves—they begin to see possibilities again.

You don’t have to do this alone

If you’re finding this hard (and of course you are—you’re human), it’s okay to reach out. You don’t need a script or a perfect strategy. You just need someone who understands what it’s like to parent through the hard stuff.

If your child is struggling to go to school and you’re not sure what to do next, I can help. I work 1:1 with both parents and young people to understand what’s really going on underneath the school refusal — and gently find a way forward. I offer 30-minute discovery sessions to find out more. Book your free call.