What to Say (and Not Say) to an Anxious Teen

When your teen is overwhelmed with anxiety, it’s natural to want to say something—anything—that will help them feel better.

You want to calm them down. Reassure them. Convince them they’re okay. But often, despite your best efforts, what you say seems to bounce off—or worse, make things more intense.

You’re not doing anything wrong. You're trying to help. But there’s a big difference between soothing anxiety and joining it in panic mode.

As a parent and teen coach, I’ve seen again and again that how we speak to an anxious teen can either bring calm or feed the storm. This blog is about helping you do the former—with more ease and less pressure.

Why What You Say Matters

An anxious teen is not always looking for advice. In fact, they usually already know the logical answers:

"You’re safe.”
“This won’t last forever.”
“There’s nothing to worry about.”

But anxiety doesn’t live in logic. It lives in thought-fuelled feelings that seem real in the moment. Trying to “talk them out of it” often has the opposite effect: it can make them feel unheard, dismissed, or more alone with their discomfort.

What Not to Say to an Anxious Teen

Here are a few well-intentioned phrases that often backfire:

🚫 “Calm down.”

This sounds more like a command than support. To your teen, it may feel like their experience is being invalidated.

🚫 “There’s nothing to worry about.”

This might be factually true, but if they’re already anxious, it can feel dismissive.

🚫 “You always do this.”

Labels (even subtle ones) can lead to shame and make anxiety feel like an identity instead of a temporary experience.

🚫 “You’re being dramatic.”

What may seem like “too much” to you is very real to them. Dismissing it can erode trust.

What to Say Instead

Here are phrases that tend to create more connection, space, and emotional safety:

✅ “I’m here.”

Simple, steady, grounding. You don’t have to fix anything. Your presence is often enough.

✅ “I know this feels big right now.”

You’re validating their current reality without feeding the fear.

✅ “You don’t have to figure this out right now.”

Takes pressure off. Reminds them they’re allowed to pause.

✅ “You’re okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”

This reminds them that feelings pass—and their well-being isn’t broken.

✅ Say nothing at all.

Sometimes, silence is powerful. Sitting next to your teen without solving anything can be the most reassuring message of all.

A Real Moment from Coaching

I once coached a parent whose 14-year-old would panic every night before school. The mom tried everything—lists, hugs, even pep talks. But her daughter only seemed to spiral more.

So, we tried something different. One night, instead of saying anything at all, she sat quietly next to her daughter and simply held her hand. No fixing. No pep talk.

What shifted? The need to solve disappeared—and in that space, her daughter found her own calm. She was grateful that her mum didn’t say anything, she just needed someone with her.

The Heart of the Matter

Your teen doesn’t need perfectly crafted sentences. They need your calm, not your corrections. They need to know that someone can sit with them in the storm without trying to force the sun out.

And when they see that you’re not scared of their anxiety, they start to see that maybe—just maybe—they don’t have to be either.

Takeaway Tips

Here are a few simple things to try the next time anxiety shows up:

• Breathe first, speak second.

• Ask: “Do you want help, or just someone to sit with you?”

• Let silence be okay.

• Offer comfort over control.

• Trust that your presence is powerful.

Want More Support?

If you’re struggling to connect with your anxious teen—or just want some guidance on how to support them without burning out—I’d love to help.

I offer free discovery sessions where we can talk about what’s going on and whether my approach might be a good fit.