Why Do Teens Cut Themselves?

A gentle perspective for parents trying to understand

If you're reading this, there's a good chance your heart is heavy. Maybe you’ve just found out your teen has been cutting themselves, or maybe you’re starting to suspect it.

It’s hard to put into words how that feels as a parent. Scary. Confusing. Heartbreaking.

You might be asking:

• Why would they do this?

• Are they trying to get attention?

• Are they in danger?

• What did I miss?

• How can I make them stop?

These are big, important questions. But before we try to answer them, I want to offer you a soft place to land. Because even though this looks like a crisis—and yes, it feels urgent—there’s more going on than you think. And there’s more hope than you might realise.

Let’s start by looking beneath the surface.

When the inside feels like too much

When a teen cuts, it often isn’t because they want to hurt themselves. It’s because they don’t know how to deal with what they’re feeling.

Imagine for a moment that your child is in a room filled with noise—so loud they can’t think straight. That’s what it can feel like inside a young person’s head when they’re overwhelmed with emotion.

Sometimes that emotion is sadness. Sometimes it’s anger. Sometimes it’s numbness—like they can’t feel anything and just want to know they’re still alive.

Cutting gives a moment of relief. A break in the noise. A pause button. Not because it’s a good solution—but because it’s the only one they see in that moment.

They don’t do it because they’re broken or trying to get attention. They do it because they’re human, and they’re hurting, and they don’t yet know another way.

A compass that's always working—even when it doesn’t look like it

Here's something important:

Your teen is doing the best they can, with the thinking they have in the moment.

Think of it like this: inside all of us is a kind of compass. A natural sense that pulls us toward calm, clarity, and balance—even when we’re struggling. The problem is, when emotions run high and thoughts get noisy, that compass can feel completely buried.

But it never breaks. It’s always there.

So even though your teen is hurting themselves right now, they’re not beyond help. In fact, the very reason they’re cutting is because something inside them wants to feel better. That’s a good sign—it means that deep down, they’re still trying to find their way.

The snow globe

Here’s a little metaphor I often share with parents:

Picture a snow globe that’s been shaken. Everything inside is swirling—just like your teen’s thoughts and feelings in a tough moment. But what happens if you stop shaking it?

It settles. Always.

That’s how our minds work too. But when your teen is in the middle of a storm, they don’t know that it will pass. It feels permanent. They believe the only way to quiet the storm is to do something—and cutting can feel like the only tool they have.

But just like the snow in the globe, those feelings will settle. Always. If they’re given the space to.

What can you say or do?

You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to be a therapist. And you definitely don’t need to panic. Here’s what can help:

1. Stay calm, even if you don’t feel calm

You might want to cry or shout or fix it all right away. That’s so normal. But your steady presence is more powerful than anything you say. If you can stay soft, they’ll feel safer to open up.

2. Keep the door open

You don’t have to force a conversation. Just let them know you see them and you’re here. You could say:

“I’m not angry. I just love you, and I want to understand how things are for you.”

They might shrug or roll their eyes. But don’t be fooled—your words are going in.

3. Remember what hasn’t changed

It can feel like you’ve lost the child you knew. But the truth is, they’re still there. The same child who used to laugh at silly jokes or get excited about small things. This moment doesn’t define them. And it doesn’t define your relationship either.

What’s underneath it all

It’s easy to see the cutting and panic. But underneath the behavior is a young person who’s trying—really trying—to figure out how to feel better.

The more we understand that their actions come from confusion, not from who they truly are, the more compassion we can bring.

And when a teen feels truly seen—not judged, not rushed, not fixed—something in them softens. That’s the beginning of real change.

You don’t need to fix them. You just need to love them clearly.

If I could leave you with one thing, it’s this:

Your teen isn’t broken.
This moment isn’t forever.
And you have everything you need to help—just by being you.

If you’d like to talk more about this, or get support in how to handle what’s happening with your teen, I’d love to help. You don’t have to do this alone. I offer free 30-minute discovery sessions. Book your free call.