How to Email Your Child’s School When They Refuse to Attend (Without Overthinking It)

If your teen has stopped going into school, even sending an email can feel overwhelming.

You might be wondering:
– What should I say?
– Will they understand?
– Am I saying the wrong thing?

And it’s easy to spend hours overthinking one message.

Why this feels so hard

It’s not just the email.

It’s the thinking behind it:
– “I need to explain this properly”
– “What if they don’t take it seriously?”
– “What if I make things worse?”

That pressure builds… and suddenly a simple email feels like a big decision.

A different way to approach it

Before writing anything, pause.

👉 You don’t need the perfect email
👉 You just need a clear, calm message

When your mind is quieter, your communication becomes naturally clearer.

A simple structure you can use

Email template

Subject: Supporting [Child’s name] and next steps around attendance

This is a general template you may adapt to reflect your own child’s circumstances. It’s not legal advice, but a starting point for supportive conversations with school. Not every line will apply to every child pls take what fits and leave the rest. Also this template avoids pronouns for simplicity. Parents and carers can adapt wording to suit their child.

Dear [SENCO / Headteacher / Attendance Officer/Pastoral Lead],

I’m emailing you all for transparency and to ensure we are all working together.

As you are aware, [Child’s name] is diagnosed with / currently awaiting assessment for [e.g. autism, ADHD, anxiety], which can significantly affect how a child copes with stress, transitions and school demands.

I wanted to put my/our concerns in writing so that we can work together to support [Child’s name] in the best way possible.

At the moment, school attendance is having a significant impact on [Child’s name]’s physical and mental health. This includes high levels of anxiety alongside physical symptoms such as nausea, stomach pain, emotional overwhelm and disrupted sleep. This may also include other stress responses such as shutdowns, self-harm behaviours, teeth grinding, or ongoing stomach upset.

This is not about behaviour or choice. It is clear that [Child’s name] is currently unwell and struggling to cope.

I would like to be clear that this is not school refusal. [Child’s name] is currently unable to attend due to physical and mental ill health. For this reason, I will not be using physical force, restraint, or handling of [Child’s name]’s body to compel attendance, as this would not be safe or appropriate for them

I have spoken / will be speaking to our GP so that these symptoms and the impact on [Child’s name]’s health are formally logged and medically supported.

I have been reading the Working Together to Improve School Attendance (2024) guidance, which states that where a child cannot attend due to physical or mental ill health, the focus should be on supporting wellbeing and working towards attendance, rather than applying pressure that may worsen the child’s health (page 24).

The guidance also explains that illness-related absence (including mental health-related illness) should be recorded as Code I (Illness) (page 86). I would appreciate reassurance that [Child’s name]’s absences are being recorded in this way while barriers are being addressed.

The guidance further notes that where a child has been unable to attend school due to illness for around 15 school days (whether consecutive or cumulative), the Local Authority may need to consider its Section 19 duties and what support or alternative arrangements may be appropriate during recovery (page 24).

Alongside this, I feel it would be helpful to review SEND Support and consider whether further assessment (such as an Education, Health and Care Needs Assessment (EHCNA) and involvement from outside agencies (for example Educational Psychology, Occupational Therapy and Speech and Language Therapy) would help us better understand [Child’s name]’s needs and the barriers currently being faced.

Under Section 7 of the Education Act 1996, education must be suitable for a child’s age, ability, aptitude and any SEND they may have. At present, the current arrangements are having a negative impact on [Child’s name]’s health, and I am keen that we explore alternatives that allow access to education without causing further illness.

I would appreciate a meeting so that we can all talk through next steps, reasonable adjustments, and a supportive plan that prioritises health while gently working towards attendance in a safe and sustainable way.

Thank you for your understanding and support. I know everyone wants the best for [Child’s name], and I appreciate us working together.

Kind regards,

[Your name]

Why this works

– It’s clear
– It reduces pressure
– It invites collaboration

You don’t need to explain everything all at once.

Final thought

You’re not being judged.

You’re starting a conversation.

And that’s enough.